In less than a year...

in less than a year, i have lost my two grandparents....

last year on March 10, i lost my ah gong....

and this year on March 7, i lost my ah ma....
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on 6th March, I went to my ah ma house to see her... cos my mum says she is not doing well....

went there and saw her opening her eyes.. though they are not moving, at least they are opened. being a long time since they were opened. was it because she wanted to see us for the one last time?

when i went there and touched her, i realised that she has lost so much weight over the last year. all i felt was bones on her arms... =(.. my hearts ache on how much pain she had suffered over the last year...

for the past few times when i went to visit her, i always cried... cried like mad... but this time round, i didnt... just felt happy to see her... feel like hugging her.. maybe that time i was thinking she will be able to make it through this time round again.... but i was wrong...

my mum woke me up in the morning and told me the news i didnt want to hear....
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i went over to my ah ma's house and saw her lying there... she looked like she is sleeping... sleeping soundly... touched her hand... doesnt feel cold... her head too...

i wonder... will she wake up if i were to shout her name louder.... will she wake up if i push her harder...
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at 12 plus, the people came and the ritual started... it repeated itself.. just like last year...

saw her body being carried down and into coffin... finally, i broke down when they nailed the coffin... that's when i realised i will nv get to see her again....

nv get to eat the things she cooks...nv get to hear her scolding us...nv get to hear her speaking of the old days...nv get to hug her again...
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my little cousin asked me when the coffin is being nailed...

"ah ma 现在开心吗？"

i dunno how to answer him....

i know actually she doesnt wan to die... she is a lady with a very strong will...

she raised up 12 kids... took care of them and protect them when my grandpa wasn't feeling well...

i think without her, the family wouldn't survive...

i think my ah gong is really fortunate to have her around...
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sometimes i will think that maybe she is happier right now as compared to the time when she is alive with the needles and being feed through her nose and lying on the bed all the time....

however, when i remembered that actually she doesnt really want to die... my heart aches...

there's once when she suddenly broke down in the hospital... that's the first time i saw her cried.... she asked me.... xin ah... will i die????

i said no.... ah ma... dun worry... u wun die one...
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cried the hardest during the first two days... subsequently, i didn't cry anymore... not sure why, i had this feeling that actually she didn't really leave us... she's still ard near us...
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i will feel weird when i saw her photo at the wake... sometimes i will feel that it wasnt really her wake that i was attending...
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actually im not one who is good in facing the music i think......

i misses her very much.........